Sleepless

Don't know what is driving me crazy faster; all the writing or the general lack of sleep. Dwelling on this subject does not seem to have done anything but only deepen the rift between getting myself back to some sort of natural routine at as much as my work schedule will allow me. Had to start finding balance between where I have been and where I am going. My current out of control behavior and lifestyle is not going to offer me much of a future. Pretty much should just start walking down toward the airport where the main cemetary is located, find an empty plot, then jump right in at least I can watch the planes fly overhead. Times are fairly lean tonight, tough to keep the mood positive after going through so much change in such a short period of time, feels like I have released from sort of imprisonment, even if self imposed. I am walking around in a society that has a new texture to it, an altered facade, and echo of high pitched noise ringing in my ears, a constant companion which shall follow till death.



Have not been able to find a remedy to fall into any sort of consistant sleep pattern, maybe two to three hours a night lately. All this time zone travel and partying has fried my brain, possibly for the final time, get your wish, here it is, enlightenment, cruel joke, coping has replaced any sort of higher thought, but punching the keyboard for this blog helps a bunch, however their are some residual effects of digging within oneself to mine out what has been masked with the help of various enablers. It's the final battle between, the body, mind, and soul. They all desire certain things to maintain their former stabile existence, now with the narcotics stripped away, the alcohol, and the late night partying, body shock has set in, distress amongst all levels, nothing is safe from exposure, my only concern is how long this feeling will last. There is depression from my last relationship, but hashing it out here is something I don't want to waste my time upon, I have to own my action, which I have no problem doing, but living alone in a small condo from a large house is taking some getting use to even though the space is throughly, individually mine, there still is an unfamilair nature to it.



Past all this, just have to get through it, time inbetween work as well as trying to put my new place in order while hoping to fall asleep, insomnia is throwing my entire schedule off, satisfaction to those who have succeeded in my slow demise this is all you have left of me.