Radical Change

This is the first time in the last five months I actually thought about all the change, this reverent mystery, this exploration, new home, no more alcohol, no more drugs, no more girlfriend, bouncing from city to city, country to country like a bat on acid and speed, wandering with determination, hallucinating, yet with no real goal, no real home and a ton of emptiness in my soul, not to sure I can explain it to anyone, made a half ass attempt on my 40th birthday party about 4am when this oh so familiar film of late night bars, strip clubs, and weird acquaintences brought its curtain down for the last time. Visions of pancake titty mothers of two who have to be home in three hours to take their kids to school is just the sort of sick story that permeates the city of Las Vegas, driving home as the sun starts to rise, why, anymore, I tire, but have retreated from everything I have ever known, every person that I ran over, treated like shit, who were my only shelter, none now, expose, sober, all there is left to do is write and wonder what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life.

I use to think as a kid when you turned 40 that was it, I mean, you were an old geezer ready for the retirement home, hang up the disco shoes and party pack, head off to the land of family or something, not sure what is there when the family thing has been obliterated, maybe you just walk your little poodle dog around the condo grounds like all the old people in my neighborhood do, it's depressing, this battle with lonliness is temporary, I get it, like going through withdrawls which I am doing as well, so many angles coming to a head at one point has become the biggest challenge in my life, 40 was not what I expected, some bastard son of Keith Richards, highs have been great but the lows are getting too hard to handle, I can see why some people snuff themself out, it is a battle to move on from something that always feels good and when it receeds a bit all you have to do is turn up the intensity a bit in order to feel good again.

I slept like a zombie today, all afternoon, real painful withdrawl type sleep with only the local AM radio to get me through the day, thankfully there is at least that as lame as it sounds listening to local sports talk all afternoon it does the trick, so do some of my favorite comedies, fuck art at this point, I just don't want to die, maybe the art comes from the fear of death or the attempt at understanding the division between existence and mortality, however explained from religion to post modern theory, there is something about all of that either going out the window or becoming painfully obvious when I can't stop harboring on how bad I feel or not go to sleep, or feel my heart racing like an over revved engine, no safety net, but when I am fucked up life without a safety net is no longer a concern and last thing I want is to have my mother show up at the hospital again with me all in disarray. I'm on the fence whether I should be treated for all this addictive behavior, it's like are you kidding, am I that big of a degenerate that I'm half a step away from all the those whacked out celebs on those realities shows and some days I probably am, but been 40 for 3 days now, no more, nothing, how long can I last?