Deep in the Heart of Texas

1am, time change means another night without proper sleep, not much of a bother only when proceeded by a weekend all nighter, very little sleep the next day, and an early flight the following morning. Just have to be satisfied with the well trained routine of catching a few hours during the plane flight to Austin. Maybe it is the jet engine noise, my dark shades or the highly confined space of the airline seats, either way heading off to work out of town becomes a series of obstacles to be avoided that only result in more restlessness, had to turn off the television a few hours ago as the combination of bad food, light beer, and over salted snacks has given me an awful stomach ache provoking the rest of my body to fight off the terrible feeling. With such a diet today it is no surprize that everytime I belch, the mixture of sandwhich meat, Miller High Life and Ruffles potato chips make we want to heave, which would probably serve me better than holding the food down, still putting my head in the toilet for the next fifteen minutes to clear my guts does not resound so well with me at this time, nothing more than a downward slope to feeling bad the next day, only thing to do is ride out the mild food poisoning, drink a bit of water, listen to some relaxing music and let my body unwind.

Already 1am have to be up at 8am, the balancing act between rest, being productive, without enacting a sense of self imposed guilt for laying in bed while watching streamed tv on internet has grown tougher to stay happy with lately, might just be my age, hitting 40, now all of a sudden I have held down a job for over 20 years, a series of shit jobs, up until my current one which is ever evolving, so learning new things is actually very cool, the politics suck, but that could be said about any job, the toughest thing is staying focused, have been allowed to live with little structure as a child, teen, and young adult, maintaining concentration, goals, and direction are all to easy to brush off to the side with some alcohol, a bar stool, and a couple of other friends who really don't care about the future outside of being able to survive, an entire life of survival is not much of a life, luckily thanks to traveling the world, I have been given some perspective, yet this past year, a relationship breakup cancelled my usual yearly travel plans, coupled with my mother moving to town and finally buying my own place, the chains are really on me now.

It is not just my work equipment, but a 20 percent downpayment on a condo, bad economic conditions, watching a lot of my friends exist on unemployment checks, my mother as well, part of me wants to get out of Las Vegas now, go anywhere, start over, away from all the drugs, booze, and partying there is nothing else here, accept fresh reinforcments of youth staying out all night repeating the same mistakes I made, year after year, pissing it all away for some imaginary and most of all temporary pleasure that fades with the first night of proper sleep, but for some like myself that slumber would never arrive, going out again and again, hungry for the fix, to burn out the fun meter, break the glass cover, either the sanitarium or exit ramp to infinity, where have I been going with all these antics? The lifestyle is fun for 20 somethings fresh out of college attempting to find themselves through the hedonistic sewers of Vegas, but there is nothing tangible, nothing redeeming, all is empty, vague, useless, and life numbing. The treasure at the end of the rainbow in Las Vegas resembles a lake of fire, where demons prod victims with their pitchforks into the turbulant seas of liquid magma to tread on its surface for eternity, without reason, physical movement as an illusion of survival when in fact all of the sufferers experienced death many decades earlier. I am amongst them existing in a dream without purpose, functioning as no more than a robotic servant, memories implanted to follow a lifetime of segmented distractions which culminate in a reactor of energy to fuel the next generation of broods who will look upon my actions will revulsion, disdain, and an overwhelming craving to immerse themselves into my digital hallucination construct of Pleasure Island, where the fun never ends, the drugs are always pure, and the high last forever.