Self D3struction/Technical Difficulty

There was a moment when the limitations of technology run headlong into the ever pressing demand to create, at a faster pace with increasing intensity, time warp speed that takes hours into days, into months, then years resulting in a lifetime that ultimately erases, resets, then buries any such knowledge like the desert relics of Egypt. I did not plan on snapping my laptop in half when writing the bit about the Miss USA contest, low cost computers have all seem fit to put some sort of moving cursor pad at the bottom of my hands, where due the constant rapid movement of my fingers buttons will be pushed unintentionally causing to have to stop in mid thought, which if constantly occurs, drives me insane, this exact thing is happening right now, not with as much regularity but enough to almost get me pissed and snap another laptop in two. I will take a picture of it and post it, in the next couple of days, between a four day bender this weekend and the overt amount of damage this causes to my body, coupled with my new found self improvement obession, my insanity meter has been busted from too much use, I seem to be discontinuing one lifestyle for another, but in this transition period there are now two tracks of committed behavior desiring to go all out, push my body and mind to the limit, granted the late night party scene is beginning to fizzle out, but not entirely, there are just too many people here in Vegas who don't want me to leave it behind, as if I am funner than the rest of the idiots in this town, which may be true but at the end of it, these peopl feel like a deseperate wave of zombies who see no end to their own behavior, so they try to drag down everyone else around them.

This tends to be true of most in life, regardless of success and failure, isolation and loneliness have more to do with the constant desire of people to fuck themselves up beyond all recognition, then when things go down the tubes they start pointing fingers at those around them, wasted in a desending spiral which results in their brain melting down to the point that they just lay around the house watching television all day or if they have a job, wander around aimlessly figuring out new ways to keep the job and fight the boredom of a position with no future, either way deadends are abound. I do my part by interacting with these people in order to get some sense of what drives this life, how mere existence can be satisfying, maybe not having to try so hard or really figure anything out. Drugs help, like a fast forward button, tire oneself out, no options, no problems, nothing to offer to the rest of society who for the most part feels the same way, tired, uninterested, comatose, smart to have learned how get just enough, not necessary a problem with that unless this is not your ultimate goal, but grinding oneself into the ground to the point exhaustion leads to errors in judgement that can cost you money, time, and ocassionaly your life.

I have had to fight this maliase, this waking dream of missing out on self realization, but banging on this keyboard can drive me crazy after a while when the only real end result people might care about comes with the idea that people find what I write entertaining, thought provoking, and relative, which is fine, writing is ultimately the toughest thing, the second is learning the balance between finding things to write about, experiencing life, and the fallout from burning the candle at both ends, doing all the above can take a lot out of me, even though I am in better shape than the last 15 years, does not matter, information comes in, then it goes out, gets put down in words or shuttled off to the back of my mind as some slowly dissapating idea that turning into a faded memory. This is the ultimate frustration, not quite as direct as a laptop computer that is constructed with hotkeys, control functions and finger pads, somehow these things can be overcome, a delicate symphony of dexterity that gets smoother over time, guess I will have to write to make this much more effortless. This will not be last laptop I destroy, went through 4 of last year that is why I buy them for 200 dollars now, when they were 1000 dollars, the pain felt much more severe, these are mere instruments now, disposable, just like our emotions.