I is for Intimacy

I am still coming to grips with how readily as humans we can flush down a decade's worth life with someone in just one second. Permanent, final, everlasting, taking all those days, months, and years, discarding them like plastic disposable goods, never a second thought or regret. There is something about the overall feeling of having to let go of a bond of close proximity that only or possibly only a week before appeared perfectly normal, though maybe blind to the reality looming in the future, life had its routine, very little awkwardness, no silent moments, or intentional disregard for the other person. Now, I have to go out of my way when she is around, just for the fact of how the breakup develop rather suddenly, as far as the execution is concerned, that giant wave behind the spilt had been building way off in the horizon until it darkened the entire sky and when it broke, there was nothing left to do but run for cover, somewhere safe, someplace far away from victimization, from dealing with all the new emotions attempting to drowned out my sanity, happiness, and security.

By the time, everything had settled, things were said only to hasten the permanence of the breakup. Which takes me up to today, where for the past few day I have began to really think about how two people could so readily discard so much of their history and seem to not care.
The analysis of ten years by the wayside, this decade of life, experience, rememberance, and growth, ended being nothing more than a flash flood, such since receeded, but leaving all this mess of mud covered streets, broken trees, overturned cars, and washed out buildings in ruin. Not sure that this is what truly confounds me about the turn of events, moreover it has to be how easy the idea of breaking up happened as well as how we both have gone on with our lives, disconnected, muted, and fractured, maybe even lobotimized from intimate partner to passing strangers, alien beings on different levels of communication. Everyday that passes has become easier and there is no return or animosity in the decision to move on, merely the shock of having to supress desires, needs, and emotions that not long along flowed so freely.

Now single again, at 39 no less, does not feel too weird in this forever young society, there is plenty of others out there waiting who seek varying degrees of romance, torture, and insanity, no doubt there will be people standing by that will be more than to happy to grant those people all the pleasures and nightmares they can handle, but for the moment I am quite content to just reaccumulate my senses, reorganize my feelings as well as thoughts, going active again amongst the general population of woman, does not feel any different than before, in fact I feel like a know a few more things than last time, but isn't that what experience is all about, being flirty does not feel so foriegn, dialouge comes out easier, have to be more witty, funny, while noticing all the other men attempting to do the same thing in order to secure that better female, almost tribal, with the bright colors, the precious metals, and blood lines, women choosing men, people choosing people, is more relavent today, either way enough nights drinking since have proven to me, that the single's scene is not much different than when I left it, only thing being, the bars stay open all the time in Nevada.

Thought I would have more to go on in regards to the instantaneous nature of dissovling my last relationship, but it seems like everything in 21st society we fire away at, then move on quickly, void of meaning, going braindead to keep from hurting or turning to chemicals to relieve the hurt, either way like chopping a log cabin down with a axe or dousing it in gasoline then lighting it on fire, the net result is the same. I will still have to wake up and face an unforgiving world which really has no time for the pitiful situation that has reared its ugly head, get past it they would say, don't wallow, go numb, get dumb, like everyone else, dealing with pain, anger, and confusion gets you nowhere, drink up, snort, watch a movie, go online, or read a book, who the hell does that last thing anymore, raise your hands, not too many, anyway, this ten car pile up is slowly clearing the internet highway to return bandwidths back to normal levels while the cyber pedistrians pass by this blog on ocassion to take a brief look like most due during a traffic accident on the freeway, then turn back to focus their attention on what in front of them, while now and then checking the rear view mirror for what's in back till nothing but darkness remains, faint car lights, turn off onto new exits and I am left driving alone on this freeway heading forward like I always, into whatever the future is willing to throw at me.