There are No Innocent Bystanders

An advertising poster with those words have been blanketing the bus stops across the Vegas valley in the past month and after a recent reassesment of my own personal behavior both financially and party lifestyle wise has had me thinking about just how I ended up 40 years old in a downward spiral of debt, paycheck to paycheck living, and a less than reluctant attitude to disembrace from the prevalent Vegas culture of existing beyond ones means with no regard for the future. There really is no one else to blame beside myself falling into the recess of a bad month where a few weeks of work dissolves away in a five minute span. Yet this event has given me some perspective in reinventing myself but also looking at the larger picture in how I am generally imprisoned to a post viable single scene booze drug fest unlimited budget, especially after going through all my reciepts for the first two quarters of 2010. I am at the crossroads of moving on to a genuine carrer and total financial ruin. Waking up one day to the realization that my life might be over, everything to be sold, repossessed, or given away generated a sense of dispair that might make a lesser person consider suicide, however the thoughts going through my head did scare the shit out of me.

Still, there is the connect between the midnight rambler lifestyle of going to bars, nightclubs, out of town trips, and dining out twisted in with the nature of my profession and the ability to abuse all the above in the name of getting the job done allows a lot of people in my business the lattitude to go all out, then push it even further, the five star hotels, restuarants, booths at high end clubs, alongside the drinks and the women, no real end here, in the name of commerce, this has been well documented, but now, my life has come to a point where I must get past all co workers, bosses, and clients who are full blown party lifestyle addicts with no hope of change, dug deep into their profession, insulated from unemployment and discovery of their deranged character. But being surrounded by so many crazy sorts has made harder to change and easier to continue on with the brutish, lavish, spending, cabaret indulgent, free for all, the champions of my industry glorify on a weekly basis to merely to retire to my room on the road has been the largest of victories over the past year, but I can still feel them out there on the streets, going insane, running amok amongst the locals of whatever city, wherever on the planet, they have their golden ticket and will cash it in for all it is worth, possibly more, especially after a rough couple of nights where even the mightest have gone silent from abusing the environment and themselves just a bit too harshly. My guilt is absolute but my ability to move on from the post apocalypse of my work life will define me with more resolve then all previous nights of debaucherous chaos and blacked out memories have already done to my so called reputation.