Detox: On the Bench

Lucky enough to have a few days at a friend's house while he was out visiting family, outside of the early call times for work this week I did happen to get to bed before 4am, sans all the chemicals, hysteria, and unusual incidents that have been occuring in my life with much frequency since going solo, alongside all the ups and downs of mentally coming to grips with being alone, without another person to come home to, all the usual bs I have ranted about in the past, this is the first day in about a month that I have not felt drunk, been hallucinating, or calming myself down from rapidly increased heart rates due to a fragile mental state. Is this sobriety rearing its ugly head again? Well, waste no time in beating it back into the ground by going out and getting fucked up once more, reset the clock, start the never ending game one more time, so far have kept that ever present desire at bay, where being in an actual house for more than one night and not some desolate, worn down, and fractured hotel that doubles as a sewer for every last bit of Las Vegas's unpleasant diseased ridden waste which immidiately took to task infecting me into a zombie like state of constant chemical, sexual, and psychological disorder reigns without question.

The sort of unnatural b movie script that everyone dreams of living but finds themselves on the verge of collapse running down the strip, ass on fire, eyes pouring out blood, as the soul leaks out of the body into the manmade lakes of the strip hotels rising the water into boiling levels until there is nothingleft but steam. Thankfully, I have gotten past all this, made with some promises in the night, when sleep is unattenable even with the largest supply of medical sleep inducing pills, there were times when it seemed my heart may never escape its restless nature or making me feel like that overdose induced heart attack had finally arrived, luckily my mind was still strong enough to fight off those ugly feelings, put them back in that little wooden heart shaped box made in the Ukraine, sent across borders, continents, and oceans to hold all those dark thoughts, impulsive actions, and transcendental out of body experiences.

Finally, have some time to write with no work tomorrow morning, happy to be busy and making some money, yet all this shit happening on all sides of me with no shelter, no cover, exposed to enemy fire, always on guard, paranoid, disaster looming, can't rest, no time to put it all down, keep moving, just like the shark, predatory, they run from fury, from aggression, from retaliation, only closing in when, weakness has set in, then look to grind me down into tiny fragments until I break down into tears, asking forgiveness, for what? why? transgressions? you fucking kidding me? who amongst us all is saintly...... exactly that is why we live in Las Vegas and not Seattle or Chicago or Des Moines, where you can keep your thoughts, sanity, and the bars actually close, where being drunk on Sunday at 8 in morning watching soccer is not commonplacewhile afterwards leaving to go pass out at your mother's house cause you have not gone to sleep after having a threesome with two strangers hours earlier, more on the last thing soon enough, but for now have to get back to making it out of the tunnel, out of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Space Mountain, and the Matterhorn all rolled into one, no happiest place on earth here, just happy to be still breathing and not in some hospital gurney, casket, or back alley, dead, maybe just incapacitated to the point where I would have to call someone, like the ex girlfriend or worse mother, let the cat out of the bag, the fact I have skidded off the roads of all perfectly accepted normal behavior in order to over indulge on all the loose, carnal, and venal ideals that make Las Vegas the decadent attraction so many people come to in order to feed their own personal demons, preying on other willing participants who look to wipe their minds clean of all the daily toils life has thrown their way, cutting out all the normalcy with surgeon scapels, electric shock therapy, and water boarding.

Finally, some time off, had to put my foot down with myself, no more partying, going to be 40, but I look around and people 10 to 20 years older then me that seem to be okay with keeping the fun going who am I to fight that kind of headwind, leaving me confused but for the moment let the merry go round continue on without me.