Notebook Archives

Going through some of the stuff I have written over the past fifteen years, do not really remember when a few other ideas had been jotted down, yet at the end of the day they all add up to the small fragments that make me who I am and to some degree are fairly foundational ingrediants to American society.

1. Time

Crank it out
cause
this is all you
get
moments
that
add up
to history
still
it doesn't
bother most
to stay up
do nothing
or get fucked up
and procrastinate
people
have made
a livelihood
out of such things
yet most
just end up
bitter
lost in their personal fantasies
or dead
time is a funny thing
if
there was no concept
existence would not apply
we'd be something
insects
household pets
or cabbage in the field
all just guesses
for who knows
what goes on with other species
all that I know
is people
specialize in
waste
avoidance
and counter productivity
life
is already so tiring
overwhelming
rather mundane
unless
you are fucked up
on something
to take the edge
off socializing
with other human beings
and the desire
to fit in
while deflecting
the constant recognition
of how the impression of you
to others can result
in either sucess or failure
otherwise
it's
easier to watch tv
look at the walls
to wonder
then
think about
what you would like to do
everyday
reinforcing it
like a junkie fix
total commitment
to an idea
a concept
no one else
refuses to believe in
or can wrap their head around
the need must live in the blood stream
in order to create
if not
only dissapointment awaits
in a half assed
washed out tide
of mediocre effort
something everyone can
relate to yet
fear embracing
if only to avoid
conjuring up the same
emotions of failure in themselves
so either
don't care
or crank it out
after all
it's only time
when it is gone
you"ll be too.

2. Greatest Show on Earth

Meat is murder
they said
outside
a Mc Donalds
the parking lot
drive thru is still full
but
no longer super sizable
traffic remains
on the streets
gathering
like moss on a stone
people
are doing time
in their automobiles
munching on fries
staring at 4.35 per gallon
at the local Chevron
yet there are
as many cars as ever
the local college kids
wonder about their futures
looking for
a counter theories
to average existence
there's Starbucks
the bar
and a now hiring sign
oustide a Pizza Hut
but what college kid
wants to work there
cause
being different
equates
to where you shop
idealism
is a fashion catalog
too bad
most people don't understand
these philosophies
as they live them
it is only until
middle age
seperation
and mental breakdown take place
afterwards
people become translucent
or dark shadowed
in the moonless night
no one looks
in their direction
which takes
social pressure off immediately
almost a pass
to say and do
what you please
freedom from judgement
from judgement of yourself
still the cold
works at the unsettled bones
immobile
waiting for some signal
paralyized
in order to thwart
potential motion detection
for there are assassins
in the midst
who would
kill
to silent subconscious thought
and active dissent
in the public domain
meanwhile
the trapeeze artists
go through their routines
clowns practice
squeezing into a phone booth
the bearded lady
eyes the razor's edge
and the ringmaster
grabs his bullhorn
then with thunderous applause
the lights dim
spotlights come to life
as the show
called life
gets ready to begin

3. Last Time I Tried to Kick

What do you do
when all
the ammunition is gone
and the heroes
have gone home
just look at the war torn edges
glowing in the night
and far away
halo concussions
turning buildings into rubble
hazy yellow clouds
loom
across semi deserted streets
stripped down
dismantled war machines
become collectors of souls
amidst the public refuse
run for cover
as the arrow slingers
peer through
narrowly focused eyes
generating a body count
amdist the pock marked alleyways
light is sporradic
nearly impossible to remember
the heat of the sun
blankets
wooden boards over windows
are not much shelter
flying off into the night
only a short cut to the cemetary
a few shadowed figures
cling to the edges
of the buildings foundations
no more movable
than the concrete pillars
that hold the building intact
for the moment
Sleep?
a paranoid
haze
taping ones body
to the ceiling
wouldn't stop
the visions
of armed soliders
klicking down the doors
and spraying the walls
with blood
no rest
no rest

4. Cheating Heart's Sinking Ship

We are carving
at the edges
of the iceberg
in hopes of finding
the foundation
to our problems
taking on water
is not a problem
but stabbing a hole
into the boat
as the ice melts
and the oceans rise
does not help
as the temperature increases
deeds continue
in the name of self interest
all is divine
we all pretend
to love one another
just to live with loss
guilt
fear
conducting secret lives
away
from the viewing public
it is seperate
just a job
no relation
to who I am
no part of existence
what so ever
work
is best
left there
a vague memory
slowly dissapearing over time
until the deed itself
become an organism
of pure fiction

5. Lost in Portland

wide
darken streets
of Portland
long avenues
void of people
on this semi raining
friday evening
seems
I've covered
thirty square blocks
without
so much as
a few people
waiting
for public transit
the downtown
really empties
out at night
or all the hip
people and bars
have migrated elsewhere
pockets
of street lamps
emit
enough light
to reveal
the empty nightclub
where workers
sit on chairs
outside
waiting
for the later evening
to arrive
plenty of amber and red hues
bouncing out from
the few open storefronts
tonight
tell of a more
relevant past
than future
a city engaged
in the nostalgia
of classic early
20th America
wooden decor
brick building
siena ambience
refined
formal
and pictureesque
only two blocks later
on a by foot
tour of the city
abandoned buildings
and locked up day businesses
close in on the flanks
chilled isolation begins close in
lost at this point
after
walking around the city
for a half an hour
in no particular direction
where have
the residents
sought shelter tonight?
amongst the suburbs
park benches
or the lonely liquor store
where I buy
some beer
and reside for a minute
then walk
right past my hotel
where I open up
the curtains
to my hotel room
and look out window
Portland's skyline
not so mysterious and maze like
after a couple of beers
but still quite
as impressive