Airline Wheel Chair Brigade

The next series of blogs were done on plane rides over the last two weeks, my life has been uprooted from a ten relationship break, a constant habit of binge partying, and the fast pace nature that waking up in hotel to hotel room from having to work on the road can bring, so the details may be raw at times, but if anyone is still reading this, the caliber of my work has become quite natural.

There use to be a time I might have seen two or three elderly people all bundled up in blankets, dark glasses, and the their most recent work of crochet as they waited to board an airplane in the so called special assistance class, consisting of passengers who required an extra amount of time to wiggle their way out the wheelchair while cursing under their breath at the failure of the physical body and its rapid decline with the onset of age, alcohol abuse, and poor health habits. Well the repear waits for us all, but cuts some down slower than the rest, it always seems the special assistance passengers always have about eight other people in the party who have to tend to grandman or grandpa who have began to constantly jabbing in form of tongues only elderly people of their similar mental state understand about on par with context of your average third grader. Sure Adult diapers, being spoon fed, and taking more prescription drugs than a hypocondriac on speed can be quite a tough road to head down, probably better off driving the wheelchair of over a cliff or right in to oncoming traffic, if only these elderly could be so lucky, now they have merely become a tool for their younger relatives to board airplanes before anyone else, as grandson pushes the slung over sack of drooling, dissolving, and derranged carcass down the boarding platform.

However, today there appears to be an entire new legion of invalids, who can walk speak, and function with a great degree of self sufficiency. I am puzzled by this brigade of pretenders that are agile, self aware, and look perfectly healthy, these people look only to angle on abusing the special needs rule on this particular discount airline carrier, an entire wheelchair symphony being wheeled in row by row as if gathering in formation for the start of a Nascar racing event, this military precision of well defined lines, aisles, and pit crews of families bringing up the rear, remind me of teenagers with fake ids, fools who use their grandparents or some other handicapped family members parking placards to park up front at sporting events and middle age autograph hound seekers who shove young children out of the way in order to acquire an autograph from some overpaid sports player that the middle aged person plans on selling later, even worse those clowns on tv during a baseball game who jump in front of small little leaguers to snatch away a foul ball, then taut them for being so short as they flex theif muscles in front of their other drunken loser buddies who live with their parents.

so now there is a small army of sods who look like circus carnies, staring at the suckers like myself who have to wait for all thirty people to board before anyone else can get on the plane and on a discount carrier like this one, it is no doubt these folks are going right for the front rows as they stand up for a minute to readjust their ailing back, fat rolls, or just general lazy atrophied muscles while laughing behind dark glasses at the rest of the other passengers, I mean what the fuck good are these people going to be if the plane has an emergency, do we have to carry them off first before the flames of the plane engulf the rest of the cabin, shit no, right over them, grind them down, so some one who is not a lazy fuck can kick open a door, or whatever of the various process that are explained in the those guides in the exit rows, where I sit might need to be performed at 36,000 ft. The frauds continue to pile in with big smiles and large waves as the pit crew/family of eighteen cart their 50 yr old obesse lazy gluttonous mother off to the front row seats of the plane, all smiles, as I enter the plane because some of my travel deals require me to go cheap, luckily I get fat city privledges and board with the frequent filiers, inside the plane the first five rows are already filled, I head straight to the exit row for the leg room, luckily these new wave invalid have disqualified themselves from being able to assist in these exit rows, cause we'd all be fucked in an emergency with those types manning the team leader positions, pin everyone else in like a boulder wedged into a cave, forget, done, start praying and hope its quick or somehow come to life in fight or flight mode miraculously coming to life, kicking out the door then leaving the rest of us to a fiery state, as some small child bangs on the back of my head as I sit in the exit row, parents amaze me too.

They use to let parents have front row cuts, which made the procession of half wits twice as long that one kid had three dads, six mothers, seven uncles, five aunts cousins, grandparents, a god damn family reunion, so by the time I got on the plane these families had looted all the best seats. This use to piss me off and I imagine a lot of other non children family passengerss, even with this damn shiny A-list card, what good news was it when so many white trash yahoos heading off to Vegas or Disneyland had overrun the plane, while this fat slob next to me cuts smelly ass farts in the seat two over from me, he has his shoes off, feet stink, pretending to be sleeping so I can't call him out on his nasty stench, probably laughing at me inside his head, have to turn the air jets on him full blast, another fat slob, one-third of American's are fat according to a new study, no surprize, especially those like this lady who had pork chops for arms, so damn fat, they took up two seats and what is even worse, is that these people always try to muscle your space for their fat ass, so I just lean on them with my shoulders on their arm. These people give after a while, offering some resistance, yet due to their out shape nature cave, my 200 lbs of body weight on a 6'2" frame breaks them down, but they don't care they just order up double snacks, double drinks and then a super sized bag of candy inbetween.

I always give the pork chop battlion all my snacks, like feeding an animal at the zoo, entertain me pork chop, who is trying to dress sexy in tight jeans and tight top, damn, rubber tire like rolls of blubber, bigger than her titties, could have had the young hotties sit next to me or small woman riding in the middle seat, but these Large Marge types are the worst, this country has sold its soul for consumption, becoming lazy, because they know circus freaks are for public amusement, never to become part of the beautiful people, la, la, land they watch on tv, support through the tabloids and secretly dream of becoming if they could only stop eating junk food, fuck exercising, damn rat on a treadmill, beyond feeling sorry for themselves, these people have given up and let themselves go, as I fight with pork chop for arm position for the next three hours as she reads some lame ass romance novel, her should has probably gone numb by now, as I write this, time to finish up as her stretch mark get larger, her taste in clothes will only get smaller.