How I Killed Thanksgiving

Sullen air and misery surrounded the living room; a funeral was being held today to commemorate the institution known as Thanksgiving. There are just two of us now with the rest of the family either dead or too far away to care, engulfed in their own series of personal tragedies which I only tend to hear about via contemporary social media. I personally have not cared about this holiday ever since the break up of the annual family gathering that consisted of a series of drunken discussions, then arguements, and finally relatives flying out through any door of their choosing usually head first. Once everyone got so pissed at each to the point no one cared to bothering travelling anymore, I was left to be marooned with the small cluster of relatives left on the west coast, too bad none of them liked each other anymore. Long gone now are those days of arguements amidst cousins that carry on for hours over the most minute of words spoken amongst each other, led with the traditional assaults of stupid, retard, you have no idea what you are talking about, you are just acting out, and last but not least, I'm going tell on you, then the punching ensued .

The teenagers during this time used their new found school time intellect to confuse the younger sibilings, as the small ones ended up stomping off with mother's purse and cigarettes which always brought on spontaneous spankings from various aunts, no one could catch me, so if it meant staying out all night till my mom left or if she just dumped me off at my grandparents resulted in sleeping in the back of a car or crashing on a friends couch down the street. The holidays only made me tired, close a bedroom door and sleep all day, easiest way not to face all the insanity, babbling drunks with half mashed menthols in their mouths, greasy burboun lips, ash burnt nylon polyester shirts. Drinks spilled as the dogs cleaned up the mess, very few ever escaped the celebration sober, people of such inclination hardly ever made it through the door and if they hung around were made to feel so uncomfortable and periodically attack as a signal to any square who attempted to sanitized my family holiday parties. Part local bar, part tribal beat down. I can remember my realtives telling me how much of an asshole I was as a kid, a wild heathen who did not listen to anyone, they would gang up on my mom over it, but this only encouraged her to give me more freedom, luckily I was smart enought to employ my talents to their full potential.

There was not much of a learning curve on how to get over on the relatives, all of them had little schooling, blue collar, and maintain a thirst as well as lust for anything subversive and decadent, therefore my educational passion as a youth came under siege with such great confidence boosters as Beaner Kid, Bastard Asshole, just like your grandfather. Well whoever I happened to be like, my appreciation of laughing at my family's expense outlasted their ability to keep the show going, just like so many great acts over the centuries; the focus, commitment, and will power to deliver the next great hit overwhelmed this particular comedy troop, so now my mother and myself have be left to laugh over Seinfeld and That 70's Show reruns.

I miss the madness of alcohol fueled battles and that were just the kids, the adults did not bother with toning anything down, the partying began days before the actual holiday. A virtual 70's era flophouse, a legion of aunt and uncles all passed out around the place, of course my grandmother leading the parade with a smoke, a whiskey on the rocks, and foul mouth cuss shit storm to put anyone in listening distance in a state of constant of fear and laughter. The great thing about my transient vagabond so called relatives crashing at my grandparents house was that it gave me and my cousins plenty of time to rummage through their pockets and purses for cash we could spend down at the neighborhood market or just keep the money they gave us to buy cigarettes for them cause everyone was too drunk to move by 2p in the afternoon.

Just left to formalities now of the afternoon meal today, how is the food, want something else to eat, you have to try this I spent 8 hours pulling it together, all of which I can quickly throw off with a yawn in a fit of exhuastion from work. The rest of the time is filled with football games and comedy reruns, can only really just fall asleep for periods in order to duck out on any meaningful interaction as if this late in the relationship between my mother and myself was possible, not that it matters, just the conventional ritual of Thanksgiving has never retain much traction, rather be in some bar or beach in a tropical country far away from the consessions of this holiday that make me feel so hypocritical and conformist. So the easiest thing to do is get on another plane and get back to work, cause Christmas is not far away.